Hello. I decided to start a blog. Who knows how often I will post in it, but here goes nothing. I concluded I need some space to jot down thoughts and revelations and if it happens to encourage or benefit someone else in some way, then super.
If you know me, you know that I'm messed up. I have a lovely grab-bag of mental health issues that affect me spiritually almost everyday and often times in almost every activity, from the glorious big life-changing events, to the mundane, like doing the dishes or talking. It brings me not only frustration, humiliation, and pain, but also deep spiritual questions, fears, and at times, hopelessness. God has allowed it in ways to make me stronger and mold me more into a merciful person who strives to help heal and understand the people around me who are similar to me or afflicted in their own way, because, we're all fallen and afflicted in some way.
Long story short, today I was wrestling with past guilt and sin and a lot of "what if" questions that usually lead me down a trail of "oh no" feelings of hopelessness or uncertainty. I still don't have all the answers about this, or even about how much I'm supposed to think about such things, because to an extent I think the Lord just wants me to suck it up and move on (plowing the field and not looking back). But often in my weakness and fallen mind, I ruminate and obsess about such things to where I can't move on until I "have solved it" or have something I perceive as closure. The sucky thing is my closure usually comes after several bouts of crying, seeking various assurance from friends or family maybe multiple times, and asking the same questions over and over, or almost the same question again but in a slightly different way to make sure I've covered all my possible bases to get this closure. That probably doesn't make sense, but oh well. It's kind of like a messed up science experiment where I am testing every spiritual or whatever the topic of fear is at the moment's hypothesis and going over it multiple times until I get a conclusive yes or no that I am needing for said closure/peace of mind/assurance.
So back to today. When I've struggled for months over the past and what if questions. Trying to figure it out and have peace of mind, I feel like I must leave it in God's hands, remembering how big He is and Who He is, being prepared for anything, seeing it all coming, and being in control of the whole universe. Seems like a no-brainer, but I often forget how big, marvelous, and ready He is for anything. This verse has stuck out to me lately, Luke 18:27. The brilliant thing is I think it can apply to most every circumstance where I fear things, whether it's the past/what would have been, my struggle with unbelief, or just my struggle with being myself. Jesus HIMSELF said it. So I need to cling to it and believe it.
What Is Impossible with man IS POSSIBLE with God.
I need to leave it at that and leave my hopelessness, fear, and doubt, with it.
